i'll love you so loud

2D project #3

In my 2D art class, my assignment was to choose a photo I'd taken, & create a 'torn paper' gray scale out of it. Sounds easy, right? WRONG. 

My hands took such a beating, & I'm almost out of white paint, my apartment is covered in 'confetti', I've been working on it for hours and...its still late. BUT - I admit, I'm proud I prevailed. And I think this is one project I'll actually be excited to hang on my wall! The others clearly show I didn't fully embrace the project till after grading day ;)

I started with this photo, 

(My friend Lillian, on a BEAUTIFUL spring day. I don't think she knew I was snapping it but I've always loved it )

 edited it - 

 then began here - tearing my painted gray scale into a million zillion trillion tiny pieces.

 and here's the final result :)

I'm excited for my prof to see it... but for now I must put band aids on my fingertips & SLEEP!!

I can't say things well so I'll just type them.

Tonight, I watched this. 

The only way I can explain why I was so upset after the documentary tonight is because I'm SO scared of being fake. I want to go and I want to help and I want to see and I want to hear, but I want to know it is real.

My whole life I've dreamed of seeing the world. I went to Israel in 6th grade, I tear up & squeal when the Mads talk about our Europe tour, every mission trip my youth group went on I was always the first to sign up, I flew to Africa by myself my senior year, and my passport is on display next to my globe in my apartment.

When I was 6 I told my sunday school teacher I wanted to be a missionary, and I know for a fact I meant it. I read all the books about Aborigines & deepest darkest Africa & even accidentally won the prize for most missionary books read at my church, hahah I was a dork.

But as I've grown up, I've started to feel like my love for traveling was maybe a selfish thing - Do I want to go places just to see the sights? Do I want to go just to tell people about it later? Is it to try the food? Do I want to love the people? Or do I just want to see the Eiffel tower?

SO thats why I was so upset tonight. I know I can't take this lightheartedly. I'm terrified that this feeling in the deep of my heart is not good enough to take actually take missions seriously. With all of me. Heart, soul & mind.

Would I still do this if no one knew? Would I want to be a missionary if there were no accolades for it? No pay? No comfort? Does my heart REALLY long for it [like I think it does]? Or will that passion go away on week 6 and I'm wishing I'd never put myself out there, wherever I am?

I never took classes or got to know the missions staff until now because I assumed I was just being selfish... But I'm crying so much. Maybe this thing in my heart is real?


My soul is heavy for the world all. the. time. now. I've had multiple 'burning bush' moments where i'm bawling at nothing and all I can think is GOD TELL ME WHERE TO GO AND I WILL GO I NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE PLEASE TELL ME but I just keep staying here, going to class, and boxing it away because with my music degree, nothing makes any sense on paper.

All that to say - basically I'm terrified that I'm lying to myself, and that maybe my intentions aren't crystal clear - But I know God is trying to push me through it... I wouldn't feel so troubled right now if that wasn't the case.

I need a lot of quiet time before Oct. 31st, because I need clarity about my intentions. But I know my heart is broken for a reason.

I love you girls. Pray for me. - Kathleen

We Are Who We Are.

If you can't dance to this, then I guess we can't be friends.

if i could tell you everything,

If I could tell you everything, I'd tell you...

 - that I usually want to eat everything in sight, and that makes me worried for my mental stability. Is that normal? I'm in a constant state of self control.

- that I want to play the guitar & write songs like I want to breathe, but I'm 22 and I've never breathed before. I'm scared and I don't know where to start.

- that I'm romantically boreddddddd. And I know that sounds shallow and a little pathetic but its the truth.

- that Brooke Fraser's new album has made me cry 3 times in the last hour.

- that I don't know how to function without comparisons, and I fight it every minute of every day.

- that I'm not sorry for having strong opinions. Sometimes I get embarrassed after voicing them, but I'm being fake if I don't truly share them, and I'm not okay with feeling fake.

- that hearing that a boy from highschool 'always had a thing for me' did put a tiny spring in my -I thought I was invisible in highschool- step.

- that I want to go to Bulgaria & Albania so bad but I have to know in my heart its for all the right reasons.

- that Catfish touched me more than almost any movie I've ever seen.

- that I cry at Sara Bareilles shows because I know her pain, and you'll never understand if you're a man.

- that I know I don't always apply myself, but one of my biggest fears is becoming a workaholic.

I'd tell you lots of things.

DANCECAT

I never want to not watch this video 17 times.

22 is my favorite so far.

happy birthday to ME.

happy birthday daddy.

 you're the best.

BUSY

best ever.

I twisted both my ankles,
danced with ...everyone,
fell down the stairs,
and cried a little.
BEST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVERZZZ?
Y.E.S.

only because I wish I could yell but its 1:06am

[annoyance]

grows into...

[annoyance]

only to  turn into...

[annoyance]

maybe I'll finally stop biting my fingernails over stupid things when I'm 22.
Why make mistakes of my own, when I'm learning from yours so well?