I can't say things well so I'll just type them.

Tonight, I watched this. 

The only way I can explain why I was so upset after the documentary tonight is because I'm SO scared of being fake. I want to go and I want to help and I want to see and I want to hear, but I want to know it is real.

My whole life I've dreamed of seeing the world. I went to Israel in 6th grade, I tear up & squeal when the Mads talk about our Europe tour, every mission trip my youth group went on I was always the first to sign up, I flew to Africa by myself my senior year, and my passport is on display next to my globe in my apartment.

When I was 6 I told my sunday school teacher I wanted to be a missionary, and I know for a fact I meant it. I read all the books about Aborigines & deepest darkest Africa & even accidentally won the prize for most missionary books read at my church, hahah I was a dork.

But as I've grown up, I've started to feel like my love for traveling was maybe a selfish thing - Do I want to go places just to see the sights? Do I want to go just to tell people about it later? Is it to try the food? Do I want to love the people? Or do I just want to see the Eiffel tower?

SO thats why I was so upset tonight. I know I can't take this lightheartedly. I'm terrified that this feeling in the deep of my heart is not good enough to take actually take missions seriously. With all of me. Heart, soul & mind.

Would I still do this if no one knew? Would I want to be a missionary if there were no accolades for it? No pay? No comfort? Does my heart REALLY long for it [like I think it does]? Or will that passion go away on week 6 and I'm wishing I'd never put myself out there, wherever I am?

I never took classes or got to know the missions staff until now because I assumed I was just being selfish... But I'm crying so much. Maybe this thing in my heart is real?


My soul is heavy for the world all. the. time. now. I've had multiple 'burning bush' moments where i'm bawling at nothing and all I can think is GOD TELL ME WHERE TO GO AND I WILL GO I NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE PLEASE TELL ME but I just keep staying here, going to class, and boxing it away because with my music degree, nothing makes any sense on paper.

All that to say - basically I'm terrified that I'm lying to myself, and that maybe my intentions aren't crystal clear - But I know God is trying to push me through it... I wouldn't feel so troubled right now if that wasn't the case.

I need a lot of quiet time before Oct. 31st, because I need clarity about my intentions. But I know my heart is broken for a reason.

I love you girls. Pray for me. - Kathleen