I can watch a sun set on my own: 1/1/10

This is my testimony from All-school praise and worship last semester...
I've never felt more free in my whole life. I loved that night.

When Jerry asked me if I’d like to give my testimony tonight, the first thing that came to my mind was… “Nah, don’t ask me. My testimony is boring…” It consists of the ‘usual’… I’ve been Nazarene my whole life, sang in church since I was two, I hardly ever missed Sunday morning service, never had a life threatening illness, never been in a serious car accident, so besides being a little clumsy and breaking a couple of bones, I’ve never had a so-called “trial I’ve gone through.”

My Grandfather and Uncle both died within a month of each other in 2007, and that of course broke my heart, but I lived hours away from both of them, so after a short period of mourning, I had accepted it. I have a fantastic family, my parents are still married, and I have tons of support from friends. I’ve never had big money issues or even remotely gone hungry… So I mean this in the least cheesy way possible – I am incredibly blessed.

So when I try to sum up ‘my testimony’, which most people define as – “a public profession of religious experience”… My initial thought is – Well, this ‘religious experience’ has lasted my whole life. I’m not a drug addict, I’ve never had an intervention, yeah I’ve broken up with boyfriends and had fights with girlfriends, but it didn’t kill me. My walk with God has been pretty constant, so its never stopped and then started again. I’ve never this, I’ve never that… never, You get it.

But when I get to the root of me… the part of myself that no matter how outspoken I may seem, I’m still really nervous to tell people about, and the part that I can cry about at the drop of a hat… This part is my REAL testimony. At the root of me is my INSECURITY. So before I even get into it, I want to read Psalm 139:14 in the New Century Version – I praise you because you made me in an AMAZING and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful – I know this very well.

SO - I went to THAT high school in Dothan, AL. Actually, there are lots of these. Yours was probably a little like it. The one with the lunchroom like in mean girls and you could literally draw a map for where people sat. Cool kids here, band nerds here, cowboys, skaters, whatever. I came to Dothan High in 9th grade from Northside, a small private Christian school of only 500. At Northside, I knew all 37 kids in my grade by full name.

So my first day of real high school at Dothan High, I heard the ‘F’ word more times in one day than I had in my entire life. I got pushed in the hallway, got lost and knew NO ONE. It was culture shock to say the least, and as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I actually ate lunch alone in the bathroom stall the 2nd day. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Freshman year pretty much went on the same way, I made friends but we only talked about clothes or how cute our hair was… all pretty shallow relationships. I found myself doing things after school just so I’d have something to talk about with the girls the next day at break. I’d buy shoes I saw everyone also had, so I could talk about how I got them cheaper here there or wherever, And many times, conversations about ‘last weekend’ totally went over my head, but I’d just made up how I’d had something else to do and that’s why I wasn’t there. Really, no one ever invited me.

High school rolled on, and I was sort of friends with the self-proclaimed “cool kids”, but never ever felt comfortable. I stuck out like a sore thumb because of my Christianity. I never really knew the punch lines to jokes cause people wouldn’t want to tell the good girl, I started getting invited to the parties but I’d walk in and people automatically put their beers down… they’d make jokes about my ‘virgin eyes’, so on and so forth. Over the years, a couple of guys ended up calling me their girlfriend behind closed doors, but during school hours they would hardly speak to me. Stupid things like girls leaving me out and talking about me behind my back went on for years. Once I was a senior, I had developed weight issues and obsessions, I had closet full of clothes I didn’t even like, I only wore them cause I felt like I had to, and I ended up with an overall needy personality – I liked to think I knew who I was, when really I let those people, the ones who didn’t even remotely care about me, tell me who I was.

Dothan High had taught me that every person had a social ranking… and some people just literally weren’t worth the time. I was not only worried about how others perceived me; I didn’t even know how I perceived myself. That verse says I praise you because you made me in an AMAZING and wonderful way. But I didn’t let that sink in… I’d heard it a million times but I didn’t really believe it. I was looking for validation in a million different places, but every guess was wrong.

Now I didn’t tell you all that to have a dumb sob story. Like I said before, I’ve been so blessed. And I know for a fact that plenty of you had the same experience I did. But it wasn’t ALL gloom and doom; I ended up with a few really great friends I still talk to pretty often. I’m sure many of you had the same issues, most of us are more than happy to be out of high school and on our way to growing up. My issue with those four years of my life wasn’t the people I spent it with, my problem was the way I LET them make me feel. Clearly they didn’t feel comfortable in their own skin, so they brought others down… and instead of listening to MY GOD who I KNEW loved me no matter what, I let people define me. Then in turn I defined myself… this wasn’t Gods plan in the slightest.

I’ve said all this to say – Yes. I’ve been in church my whole life. But understanding HOW MUCH God cares about me, and how he looks at me and says – YES. You are what I made, and I made it on purpose – I didn’t mess up Kathleen- This is something I just don’t think I’ll ever fully grasp. I spent so much of my time growing up, worrying about my weight and whether or not my talents were strong enough or whether or not I was attractive, whatever… that I miss so many beautiful things around me. On the sunny days I was sitting around, waiting for the rain I knew was coming. My life was tunnel vision. I always wanted to be as honest as possible, so I was honestly pessimistic. I don’t even remember the day it happened, but all of the sudden, My freshman year at Trevecca I realized – Hey. I don’t have to TRY anymore… I can just be who I am, and it is totally enough. I started looking up instead of looking down. I started actually believing Psalm 139:14. Again it says – I PRAISE you because you made me in an amazing & wonderful way. What you have done is WONDERFUL. I know this very well.

The thing is, I didn’t ‘know this very well’ until recently. Until one day the light bulb came on over my head and I knew that I could quit trying. This summer especially, I’ve gotten closer and closer to being positive of that fact that I’m exactly who God created me to be in this moment. But I’m still not completely consistent in it. I’m still working on accepting myself. Just because I don’t have a dramatic life story doesn’t mean I didn’t have struggles. My insecurities shake me to my core every day.

This summer was the most challenging time of my entire life. But I now believe that I can wake up every day and ignore those voices in my head… I can be confident because I know that I’m freaking awesome… a bible verse tells me I am. So its no longer about what guy’s attention I can grab to feel a little better, or who I can beat out for the part in a play so I can add that to my list of why I’m worth your time… its about helping others finally realize how much they are worth too.

Its all I can think about lately, how it is OUR JOB as Christians to lift people up and treat them the way we would want to be treated – the way Christ would treat them. We’ve got to stop being so mean to each other. And we’ve got to stop putting our own personal comfort over the comfort of those around us. Were all in this together.

Yes, I just quoted High School Musical. ☺

I know many people in this room probably had an even worse time than I did with feeling insecure, and I just want to remind you that even though you’ve heard it A MILLION times, you are worth the time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise, and don’t let yourself believe YOU either. God gives us our worth… and he never expects anything but exactly what he himself made you to be.