Please don't. Just, don't.

But that was love, and its an ache I still remember.

what am I to do with all this love for you

I keep trying to delete our text conversations, 

but every time I almost do, 

my heart starts pounding out of my chest and I just... 

can't.

People keep saying that I will feel better when I do it?

But I'm not so sure thats true.

61 days.

You left my house right now, 2 months ago.

So please don't judge me, 
and I won't judge you.

Cause it could get ugly,

before it gets beautiful.

I can't sleep because its the 14th at 11:34pm and you're not here in this apartment with me when we've been together, and seemed pretty damn happy I might add, every 14th at 11:34pm for the last YEAR and I can't NOT write this down because it keeps repeating in my head so I'm hoping maybe if I write it down it will stop but it probably won't because
I'll never really know if you feel this same way.

I wonder 

what we 

would have 

done tonight 

if none 

of this

had ever 

happened?

11 months would have been nice.

Its still just all too much.
I miss you next to me.

"I sometimes feel like I'm looking down on myself. 

Like there is this older, wiser me, 

watching over this 24 year old 'rough draft'. 

Who is full of all this potential, 

but has to live more to catch up 

with that other self somehow? 

And I know I'll get there… 

its just, sometimes I think I want to

rush the process, ya know?"

-  Zibby, 'Liberal Arts'

Sometimes I just get so angry at you I can't even cry. 

Is that healing?

hurts every time.

Desired Things

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story. 
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
 
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy. 

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Dear God, YES.

The one?

In the last week, at least 5 different people have asked if we were engaged yet.

That stings.

'Not a soul I know is thinking, 

"Wow, I just wish 2012 could have gone on and on." 

If we don't get merit badges, I'll complain to management' 

- Anne Lamott

#NYE

Last night, while dancing like an idiot to Thrift Shop,
surrounded by my most fun and beautiful friends,
& buzzing on a gin/cranberry,
I was 2 different people.



I was blissfully happy, hopeful, single, excited, carefree & strong. So, so strong.

But I was also, sad, lonely, sentimental and empty?



I think it may be getting easier, but it doesn't always feel like it.



Happy 2013 to me - This year will be completely different, and I'm so thankful.