Last week in my Intro to Art Therapy class,
our art directive was to draw a tree in a storm.
So, I did.
I've never ever once claimed I could draw well, but every time I say that in class, I'm once again assured that I just need to shut up and try. I drew a tree, then a tree in a storm, then a tree standing alone, once the storm was over. My first tree was happy and huge, full of apples in the summer time. My second tree was waiting for a hurricane to hit, complete with an orange sky and winds strong enough to knock over that idiot weather man in the rain coat. My third was the same tree from the storm, all alone on the beach, surrounded by its own leaves and still a little crooked from all that wind. It barely made it, and it was completely alone...
but, it stood.
Our guest speaker took one look at it and smiled... apparently trees are supposed to represent our inner-selves, and we unconsciously draw our own stories in their leaves... or lack of leaves.
My tree in the storm/after the storm was a palm. In the storm picture, (below right... yes I scanned it hahah) I'd drawn it almost dead, blowing in the wind, surrounded by the threat of what was to come. I just picked a palm because I knew I could portray it blowing in the wind well, but unconsciously there was a different story.
The guest speaker shared with me that I most likely chose a palm tree because I am fascinated by its resilience. The palm tree can bend and bend and bend, but then, it can snap back to its original shape after the storm, and you'd never know the difference. It can withstand rain, floods, strong winds, (snow... okay no;) ) almost anything, and still stand strong, bear fruit and be completely be
autiful. She also explained that throughout her therapy experience, many many battered and abused women she's had as patients unconsciously chose a palm tree as their personal symbol. These women had been through hell, and all they wanted was to feel strong again. To know they had bounced back. To know that they could still stand, even if it means standing alone.
This is one thing I know about myself :
I. Crave. Resilience.
I always have.
I even wrote about it here a long time ago.
I need to feel strength on the inside, no matter what I look like on the outside, or what is going on around me. I can handle going through storms, as long as I know in my heart I can pop back sooner or later. I know storms/trials/growing up/heart ache/betrayal/learning experiences... WHATEVER you want to call them, are necessary in this life, how else are we supposed to grow? But without the hope of resilience... I'm less than a person. I'm a walking ball of anticipation... "Oh, I'm just waiting to feel worse, thats all." Yeah, I can fake it. Ohhh buddy can I fake the 'I'm fine, just tired. No I haven't been crying?" But 'fake it till you make it' can be exhausting. Direct example : Summer 2009/Fall Semester 2009.
You think you can just wake up and say "HEYYYY I'm gonna be strong today. I'm not gonna let one single thing get me down, not even this thing that won't stop hanging over my head" Sure, that might last for a day, maybe a week... but what I've learned is the healing process doesn't speed up just because you put your mind to it. That is only half the battle. The rest is nothing but T.I.M.E.. And occupying your time can almost work, but then you stop for one second and everything is back. Also - no time table is the same for each person. Its taking me months to compose myself. And I gotta stop beating myself up for thinking "WHYYY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG"... it. is. a. process. Some days you wake up and your forget to give yourself that pep talk, cause you already feel hopeful that today is the day you're gonna feel like yourself again. Other days that's not the case. The only judge of progress for me is that bad days are getting farther and farther apart.
So I'm working on it. Its so dramatic and hurtful and stupid and I have word vomit every 3 hours but my hurt was real and for a real reason and now I'm just waiting for it to fade. It is not stupid. I'm not stupid.
I just thought it was fascinating... to know that my heart knew all that... and put it on paper... without my brain even getting a chance to take over.
I want to BE a palm tree. The end.
but, it stood.
Our guest speaker took one look at it and smiled... apparently trees are supposed to represent our inner-selves, and we unconsciously draw our own stories in their leaves... or lack of leaves.
My tree in the storm/after the storm was a palm. In the storm picture, (below right... yes I scanned it hahah) I'd drawn it almost dead, blowing in the wind, surrounded by the threat of what was to come. I just picked a palm because I knew I could portray it blowing in the wind well, but unconsciously there was a different story.
The guest speaker shared with me that I most likely chose a palm tree because I am fascinated by its resilience. The palm tree can bend and bend and bend, but then, it can snap back to its original shape after the storm, and you'd never know the difference. It can withstand rain, floods, strong winds, (snow... okay no;) ) almost anything, and still stand strong, bear fruit and be completely be
autiful. She also explained that throughout her therapy experience, many many battered and abused women she's had as patients unconsciously chose a palm tree as their personal symbol. These women had been through hell, and all they wanted was to feel strong again. To know they had bounced back. To know that they could still stand, even if it means standing alone.This is one thing I know about myself :
I. Crave. Resilience.
I always have.
I even wrote about it here a long time ago.
I need to feel strength on the inside, no matter what I look like on the outside, or what is going on around me. I can handle going through storms, as long as I know in my heart I can pop back sooner or later. I know storms/trials/growing up/heart ache/betrayal/learning experiences... WHATEVER you want to call them, are necessary in this life, how else are we supposed to grow? But without the hope of resilience... I'm less than a person. I'm a walking ball of anticipation... "Oh, I'm just waiting to feel worse, thats all." Yeah, I can fake it. Ohhh buddy can I fake the 'I'm fine, just tired. No I haven't been crying?" But 'fake it till you make it' can be exhausting. Direct example : Summer 2009/Fall Semester 2009.
You think you can just wake up and say "HEYYYY I'm gonna be strong today. I'm not gonna let one single thing get me down, not even this thing that won't stop hanging over my head" Sure, that might last for a day, maybe a week... but what I've learned is the healing process doesn't speed up just because you put your mind to it. That is only half the battle. The rest is nothing but T.I.M.E.. And occupying your time can almost work, but then you stop for one second and everything is back. Also - no time table is the same for each person. Its taking me months to compose myself. And I gotta stop beating myself up for thinking "WHYYY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG"... it. is. a. process. Some days you wake up and your forget to give yourself that pep talk, cause you already feel hopeful that today is the day you're gonna feel like yourself again. Other days that's not the case. The only judge of progress for me is that bad days are getting farther and farther apart.
So I'm working on it. Its so dramatic and hurtful and stupid and I have word vomit every 3 hours but my hurt was real and for a real reason and now I'm just waiting for it to fade. It is not stupid. I'm not stupid.
I just thought it was fascinating... to know that my heart knew all that... and put it on paper... without my brain even getting a chance to take over.
I want to BE a palm tree. The end.
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