hey.

i am happy.

all-school awesomeness

i was nothing but venerable tonight.
I cried so hard, but i was myself through and through.

It felt really good.
Actually, no.
There isn't a word that does tonight justice.
'really good' doesn't even remotely cut it.

Another inspiring night.
I hope my twenties are full of these.

Oh hey, Buddhism.

I usually bold my 'favorite' parts, but in this case, it would ALL be bold...
Not even remotely Buddhist, but by golly this is good stuff.


-Mantra from the Dalai Lama-

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements
involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a
wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your
life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love
for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get
it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

also, this.

[Legitimate Owie.]

today,
i was so excited to see someone, i ran to their car, and misjudged my own height [as usual] and slammed my forehead into the top of the door.

i have a lump. it is awesome.

Trevecca, thank you for friendships i knock myself out for.
I've missed it so. :)

Bring it on, fall semesterrrrrrrrr.

absurd.

you know what i would love?

An episode of House, in which the characters of LOST came for a visit and he diagnosed them with some crazy island disease, and then they would be forced to tell him the truth and then he would be in on it but never believe them completely cause who really believes in smoke monsters anyway and then he would diagnose them with physcological issues which they totally don't have cause clearly all that stuff on the island is really true... and stuff.

this is an episode i would tune in for.

this is all for now...

5 feet small

[thank you, 'German translation for the voice major']

this is excitement.

Less than 3 weeks!!

RAMMER JAMMER YELLOWHAMMER
GIVE 'EM HELL, ALABAMA!!!

p.s. - i feel a crush coming on.
maybe? a little bit? yes?

√

" Two broken people
don't make a relationship.
They make a hospital. "

roommateless

All moved into Georgia 103.
And. I. am. sad.

R.I.P.
Redford 35.

also, word of the summer?
Pudding.

you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer

"Ringo? No one's favorite Beatle is Ringo"

eyesnosemouth

I have a weird feeling about this.

I have a weird feeling about you.

and you.
and youuuuuu.

I HAVE A WEIRD FEELING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Normalcy, please return soon.
I'm sick of feeling out of my element.

Summer 2009,
you have not been my favorite.

independence

seeing this movie alone. was so much better.
than seeing it with people. i didn't even come.
to the movies. to talk to.

i am this.

I am a
Crockpot.
this is me.

find nothing

Cause I built you a home in my heart,

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start.

I'm a war of head versus heart,
and it's always this way.
My head is weak and my heart always speaks
before I know what it will say.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

today,

I have eaten the following foods...
okay, junk foods...

- Bacon for breakfast.

- Coke-a-Cola by the pool

- Cosmic Brownie [? whyy do those even exist... and/or whyyy did I enjoy it]

- Fried Chicken Breast
- Order of Fries
- Biscuit w/ Butter & Jelly
- 2 Fountain Cokes

- Grande Caramel Frappichino w/ Whipped Cream

Dear Heart of mine,

Please don't quit on me,
after all I'm not even 21 yet.
I'll do better tomorrow, I Promise!!
pathetic.

in other news - this man is amazing, and I aspire to be like him.

+ side note

I'm so thankful that God doesn't make me

yell how much I love him from the rooftops.

That he doesn't ask me to wear only Christian clothes,
that he doesn't ask me to only hang out with Christians,
that he hasn't said I can only listen to praise & worship music,
and that he hasn't FORCED me to love him.

I'm so thankful that my faith is allowed to be on my terms...

I'm allowed to be quiet and show it through my actions,
instead of demanding people have to believe what I do.
I'm thankful he doesn't care that I'm sometimes socially awkward,
or uncomfortable when I pray out loud.
I'm so thankful that he created me to love him how I want to love him.
He hasn't forced me to do anything.
He just asked me to follow.

[anyway]

Here is a heart,
Here is a heart.
I made it for you,
so take it.
Battered and braised,
grilled and sautéed...
just how you like it,
like it.
You know I live
to fill you up.


p.s. I weigh 131 lbs. This hasn't happened in YEARS...
feels good to throw that into cyberspace.

pot calling the keddle black.

"your talk talks,
and your walk talks,
but your walk talks
louder than your talk talks."

couchless...

i woke up this morning at 8am to mysterious people taking our couches :)

My heart was on fire all day Sunday.
But I felt a little calmer after I read this.

also. My life is average.

Some may call this anger.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now.
Or why I'm even saying anything.

I don't bring a journal to church, I always end up doodling in it, or I sit there and think of clever things to write down during the message, as if one day i'll trick myself into thinking that I came up with this stuff all on my own.

I can't write in my journal at church. I somehow always make it about me, or I write knock knock jokes I brilliantly made up, or I get frustrated cause my handwriting is so ugly, or my paragraph is off-centered, or the speaker talks too fast and I couldn't get the daggum verse reference. And I don't bring my bible because I look at Song of Solomon the whole time and laugh at the awkward parts. Or I look up pretty bible names for little girls that I could use for my daughter one million years in the future. Or I try to find the second shortest verse ever. If I'm not careful and I get my hands on one, i can highlight my way into friggin' oblivion.

I like to think I come to church - just me. I come to listen, not fidget with how artsy my journal looks or what version of the bible I like better. I like to think I come this way to ensure my attention on the important things. To 'hear God speak' or something. [oh hey. insert cheesy christian line here.] But I say I LIKE to think that, cause clearly its not true.

Because I had no journal today, no bible to mess with, I only sent like 4 texts, and they were to my mother. I did not fall asleep, I did not doodle, I did not bite my nails, I did not analyze the grammar of the speaker, I did not wait to see if the words to the worship music would mess up, I didn't eye stalk Matt Wertz, I didn't even try to figure out the key signatures for each song in my head and on my fingers... and I ALWAYS do that. I just sat there. And I just listened.

All I know is I've become so cynical I can hardly pay attention in church anymore. I hear the preacher. But my heart won't let me listen. I see his lips moving, I hear everyone around me turn the pages in their bibles, I see people raising their hands out of the corner of my eye. But I didn't feel a thing this morning. I listened but I couldn't hear. And I heard, but I couldn't listen. What was even weirder was I tried... but had no success. Because I'm so mad. The people around me are the reason I'm mad, but love is what they claim. Its what we all claim. I claim to Love too. What?

Thought running through my head as I'm taking communion and crying and hugging people and not reading my bible and not journaling but somehow still not listening - "HOW did I get here"?

So I cried. And I cried hard. I sniffled, I took communion and then I blubbered some more. Just in my seat, as quiet as I could, but I just wanted to scream the whole time. Someone rubbed my back, and someone sat next to me, and someone patted my leg but I wanted to push them away... and I also wanted to hold onto them... and I just hated it. I hurt I don't hurt I cry I don't cry I'm fine I'm not fine I hate you I don't hate you you did nothing wrong you did everything wrong.

I'm still hurting. So hard, and so bad. And so long.

I've spent this whole summer trying to feel pulled together. Ignoring when my ears burn or when I want to either throw up and/or throw something. Trying to feel strong, Trying to make things/people/feelings/emotions go away when clearly they are still here.

Oh hey big fat elephant in the room, how are ya? That was in May... Its August... You're still here... Great. Glad you've made yourself comfortable.

My heart is hardening, I can feel it. Its been a new defense mechanism of summer 2009, - HEY WORLD I'M FINE. I SWEAR. LOOK! HEY HEY HEY I'M FINE WHATS UP. I'm like that mannequin at the mall that looks really pulled together from the front, but then you look at the back & all they have done is just clipped and pinned everything really tight at the bottom where they think it can't be seen. But you see it. and then suddenly this mannequin's secret has been found out.

But not I'm not hardening my heart towards God, not towards service or people or church or anything really specific... I still believe in all that. Nothing has ACTUALLY changed. Its only towards [and this is embarrassing]...Love. Something I've always claimed to think was important.

Now how does this even make sense? When as Christians, we ultimately believe LOVE is the core of our being? That love is why we are even here in the first place? How can I be a christian when I'm to the point of screaming when someone mentions it?

Dear 'so called Love' , I just can't believe you lately. What are you doing? So do you see who you are hurting? Are you even the real thing? Or where you only put here to make 20somethings blog for hours on end?

I find myself wanting to grab anyone who will look me in the eyes, to make them tell me who they love. Just so I can see if they are lying.

Because so many people are lying!
Lying Lying Lyingggggg
youdon'tknowwhatloveIS you're lying.

So then I wake up every day and wonder who is genuine and who its just faking their happiness and who says those 3 words when deep down they know its not true and who actually hate themselves for that and which one of them doesn't even care and who's ex hates them and who's roommate dated who and how fast such&such's relationship started or ended or whatever and who's ex still cries and who slept with who and who snuck around with who and who's roommate texted my exs and who has kissed what and when and where and who has texted me or him or her and who looks prettier and who IS prettier and who is going where and what time they got home and thennnnn I get stressed about it and worry and get angry for myself and angry for others and then I just cry. Or I annoy my friends cause all I can talk about is hurt and pain and what is right and what is wrong and how differently things should have been handled and who is nicer and who can't be trusted and who is worthy and who is not. Who is hurting? who is good at hiding it? who is just like me? and who is too dumb to care?


And the worst thing about writing all this down is I'm still feeling this way. I'm still frustrated and I still don't feel any different. I'm so cynical in this moment I can feel it pouring out of my ears. Speaking of which, my ears won't stop burning. I'm lying in bed and I'm crying and I don't even know why.

Is it God? Or is it His fault? Or Hers? Or is it mine?

Is this what they call a quarter life crisis?

Or do I just need to get out more?

Would a new distraction actually cure all this?

actually please don't answer that.
Cause I'll probably think your answer is suspicious either way.

I got a hammer, and a heart of glass.

I gotta know right now which walls to smash.



p.s. - reading before i sleep is really something i should do more often.